What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 11:47
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
It was going to be , some day.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
How do you get a girl to like you?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
What's your take on Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? How has it affected you?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Comes on , in middle age.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
(And it was in our own minds.)
And i lived it daily.
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I was scared of men, in general
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I write beautiful poetry .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Teens like me, what are your expectations when entering adulthood?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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But ive been too sick for many years..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im still living with it.
Is there a specific time frame for therapists to tell their clients they are wrong?
We were not on the streets..
She wouldn,t have been !
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Do you wear tights for warmth or to make your legs look better?
I was seconnd youngest,
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She was in good health!
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She loved him until the end.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Would this be the day?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
When she asked me how she looked .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was 9 years of age.
So, i spoilt her more .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We all went to grammer schools
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
All the time i was locked up.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One cannot live in the past .
I have no regrets .
But, we were locked up after school.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Who then, do I blame.?
She found it foreign!.
I don,t even have a pension.
She married twice! .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was very sick at this time too.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My life is so biszare .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As i do to all so called friends.?
I said to her
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why did i forgive my father ?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He knew the spot.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But it wasn’t much.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Ive learnt so much.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I couldn’t, believe it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I think the readers, may guess!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My family never makes their pension either.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I could never make a relationship work though!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
This is soul school!.
So whats the point in blame.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I will be 64.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Was to survive, this bastard.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
What did i know ?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I waited trembling.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Put me off passion for life!!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.